Thinking and feeling and wanting and trying

Obviously these are things that we all do on a daily basis.  What am I thinking, feeling, wanting, and trying right now?

I think: that I could have made myself some tea at home instead of spending $2 at Starbucks, but I AM using their internet...so yeah.  That works for me.

I feel: exhausted.  Last week just kind of took it all out of me.  I was able to charge my batteries some over the weekend with the 10k and watching cheesy old 90's movies alone in my room and eating bad pizza and ignoring people in general...but I really hope my leave gets approved for this Thurs/Fri.  I really need the time off.

I want: to believe something with my entire being.  No doubts (questions do not equal doubts).

I'm trying: to live life the best way I know how.  Maybe that's not good enough.  Maybe it's not good at all.  But it's better than nothing, isn't it?  It's better than never trying.

What are you thinking, feeling, wanting, and trying?

just...things.

I'm so..BLEH right now.  I have been pretty much all week.  And it's only Wednesday.  But all day today I thought it was Tuesday, so I don't really truly understand what's going on.
Maybe it's the pizza.
Maybe it's the fact that their are a couple hundred TV channels at my beck and call right now when there aren't usually.
Maybe it's because Pottermore is finally online!

Nope.  That's not "bleh".  I've been über excited about the Pottermore thing.  If you want to add me, my name is StormBlood2158.  Heck yeah.  Ravenclaw FTW.

Anyways...WHY AM I "BLEH"?!
And how is it Wednesday?

Did I go to work on Monday?  Because I remember nothing about Monday.  Nothing at all.  I thought my car was towed Monday morning, but it was definitely Tuesday.  Because I was almost late to the class I was tasked to teach.  BUT I MADE IT ON TIME.  Barely.  Like five minutes before class started.  So yeah.  Monday.  What happened?

I don't understand why I forget things so quickly.  Really quickly.  Because Monday is gone and not here anymore and it's like nothing happened on Monday.

What happened on Monday?

Did you do your taxes?

Guess what I found out yesterday!  It was tax day.
But we got a nice surprise this yearrrrrrrrBAM!  Tax day was pushed back to the 17th of April!  HUZZAH!  So if you haven't done your taxes, you might want to do them.  Like tomorrow.  Reallyreally soon.
I did mine back in February, but recently received an amended W-2 in the mail.  The "corrected" side of it looks exactly like what's on my Turbo Tax documents, so I've chosen to ignore it and see what happens.

I'll let y'all know from jail.

Bahahaha.

What did you spend your tax return money on OR what are you planning to spend it on?  I went on a shopping spree.  It was wonderful and unnecessary.  I'm usually not a big shopper (and go to thrift stores when I do choose to spend money on clothing!), but it was kind of fun to go to an actual MALL and HAVE MONEY TO SPEND.  I'm not used to that.  My Mama raised me too thrifty-minded to spend $30 on one shirt.
But I did it anyways.

And it won't happen again for a veryveryveryveryvery long time.  I can assure you of that.  I felt guilty as soon as I left the store.
But I love everything I bought, so I figure that justifies it.  This year.  Next year I'm taking my sister to the beach with my money.  It'll be her graduation present. :)  I'm glad she picked the beach.  ANNA!  Thank you for picking the beach.  I want to go to the beach NOW though.  So you should graduate early.  Like now.  Like this week.
If that were an option, life would be grand.

Okay.  Goodnight party people.   

Scary Monsters are Scary

Only the last part of this video is relevant to this blog post.

But what makes the scary monsters of our imagination so scary?  What makes anything scary for that matter?

See, I've been thinking about this.  And it's really hard to know the answer.  But I think that all fears lead back to a fear of death.

I'm not scared of the dark; I'm scared of things popping out of the dark and killing me.

You're not scared of snakes or spiders.  You're scared that you'll come across a poisonous one that will kill you.

You're not scared of heights.  You're scared of falling out of the tree and dying.

You're not scared of germs; you're scared of falling ill and dying.

 

Wrote that the other day, but didn't have time to finish. Now that I look over it again, I might not believe it.

I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living.

I don't have time to write a blog post, but this is what I did last week.

Dad's birthday!

Well, here we are.  Another one of Dad's birthdays, and I'm still a pathetic daughter.  Didn't even get him a card.  I DID write him a song (albeit, a very short one).  So yeah.  There is that.

Sidewalks

Yesterday after work I went for a run.
There's a half marathon on May 6th that my Mother would like me to run with her, so yeah.  That'll probably happen.
So about this run yesterday...everything was hot and muggy.  The heat felt oppresive.  The temperature was only 73.  What am I going to do this summer when the temperature is in the 90's/100's? 
Die.  That's what.
Yesterday's run was supposed to be six miles, but I was beat and dehydrated after three.  How pathetic.  And sad. 
As I was running along, the sidewalk ended.  Not in any normal place either.  The ending was intentional, and where the sidewalk ended, grass started. 
"Where the Sidewalk Ends".  My brother memorized so many poems from that book when we were shorter and less educated.  He would change his voice and mannerisms to fit the characters in the poem. 
My brother is wonderful.

Blessings

I don't like when people say things like, “God is going to bless you so much for doing that!”.

I mean...how would they know what the heck God is going to bless someone for?!?!

The way I think about “God's blessings” is that if the Big Man upstairs wants to bless me, he will. When people say thing like that, I feel like I'm only participating in whatever activity in order to get “God's blessing”. Sometimes I feel that whoever is telling me this only does anything good because they feel the need for a blessing.

I mean, we've all got needs. Know how to fulfill them?? Go ahead! Get God's blessing!

But no. Really. Last night I sat with the older lady and talked to her because she looked lonely. Then I wanted out really badly when she told me her life story. There was no “servant's heart” there, just this 20 year old girl who really wanted to go hang out with the friends that kept on walking by. I wish I had wanted to be there, but the reality is that I didn't want to. Fifteen minutes in I wished I hadn't sat down. An hour in I considered faking a phone call. When the lights blinked to tell us to get the heck outta the building I was ecstatic...until she kept talking.

Even if God did want to bless me for sitting and letting a lady - whose name I didn't know until 45 minutes in - talk to me, I don't think I could accept that blessing. If the servant's heart and attitude had been there then sure. I'd accept. I'd have no issue. But there was no heart for the conversation. There was no wanting to be there.

So no. No blessing.

Writing.

Every so often an idea for a story ingrains itself into my head.  I can't function until it's on paper, so I write. 
The longest these mind-to-word-vomit-sessions have gone is just over 50,000 words.  That was for last year's NaNoWriMo.  Usually they don't get past the second paragraph.  Writing more than a few paragraphs is hard and scary. 
"Who would want to read this crap?"
"What if all I'm writing is crap?"
"Where can I safely burn this?"
"When will I stop hating all of my words?"
"Why is this so difficult?"
"How is this thesaurus not working in my favor?!"
This is funny, because writing was always my best subject.  Writing was the easiest for me.  But I guess that I'm just now realizing that putting words on paper doesn't necessarily mean that they're good words.
Cuz usually they're...not.

2 videos. First one is important.

I had never heard of Joseph Kony before about an hour ago.  This is important stuff y'all.  Please take the time to watch it.

Kevin and I did a cover of "On The Rise" while he was here.  We had fun.  We suck at harmonizing.  Actually, that's just me. =P

Friday and "Video Games"

So yesterday I was miserably tired.  The plan was to go home from work and then GO TO SLEEP.  Immediately.

Well, then I decided that I wanted to eat chicken and avocado for dinner.  So I went to the commissary. 

An hour later, I emerged from the commissary with chicken, avocado, and most of the necessary ingredients for granola (would you believe they don't stock brown sugar?!).  I went back to my room, toppled onto my bed, and was out for about half an hour.  

That's when I woke up and remembered that if the chicken didn't get to the freezer eventually I would have to cook all of that damn poultry right then and there.  

No.

The avocados weren't ripe.  They never are when I buy them from the commissary, but I was too lazy to go off base.  So instead I made some brown rice and cooked up the chicken in some peanut sauce and then complained on facebook about how freakin LONG brown rice takes to cook.
Any tips for making brown rice?  Cuz I ended up with rice that was a bit overcooked/soggy.

A girl in my squadron that I don't hang out with too awful much "liked" my post about chicken and rice.  She lives upstairs from me, so I was like "come on down and eat!".  So she did.  That was around six, and she didn't leave until around 11.  When she finally went back to her room I was left wondering, "why the fuck don't we hang out more often?".  She's really awesome, and we get along uber well (hence her staying for five hours).  

Instant new friend. 

Speaking of friends, I don't know if I told y'all, but my friend Kevin is coming to visit me!  He's from Minnesota.  I initially "met" him while I was in high school.  My boarding school only allowed e-mail privileges for those students on honor roll.  Well, I was, but my best friend Jamie had piss poor grades.  She wanted to keep in touch with her friend Kevin, but her parents had put very strict mail restrictions on her.  She was only allowed to get letters from and send letters to certain people.  He wasn't one of them.  Being the rebellious teen I was, she would write a note for him and I'd e-mail it, then I'd print out the e-mails from him and give them to her.  We were too smooth to get caught (except almost once when her dorm Mother went through the trash and found the note where Jamie initially asked me to do all this.  She lied and said I had refused.).  Then eventually Kevin and I became e-mail buddies.  I would e-mail him for me AND for Jamie.  This worked out nicely, because if anyone asked, I could say I was just e-mailing MY friends.  Perfecto.  

In 2009?  Yeah.  I think 2009 was the year...anyway, in 2009 Kevin came to NY to visit me!  He stayed for about a week, and then I went to visit him later that year.  Actually, 2010 sounds more correct.  Cuz I think he came AFTER I did the college thing for a semester, and then I visited him while I was working at the school.  Yup.  2010.

Anyways, he's one of my bestest friends ever.  We talk on the phone constantly, but have stopped e-mailing except when he needs me to proof his papers for school.  So we've gotten away from our roots, but we've definitely maintained a strong friendship over the past 4 years or so.

Wow.  4 years.  That's crazy.  

AND HE'S COMING TO VISIT ME!  His plane gets in at midnight.  I told him that a midnight arrival was extremely rude.  He knows I won't leave him at the airport, so he didn't switch it.  He'll be staying until Wednesday, and then he's renting a car and driving up to my parent's house to visit the family until Saturday.  Then he's flying home.

Wooohoooo.

Angryness

Lately I've been getting angry over the stupidest things. 
My anger issue might be because of a lack of balance in my life.
That sounds about right.
There are certain things that each of us need in our daily lives in order to feel at peace with the world around us.
Balance.
I'll probably make a video series or some thing of that sort...you know, to really drive the point home.  Because I apparently really need the point driven home.

*Music.  My Mother raised me on music.  She is tone deaf and wanted her children to be different.  I need some of that singing and strumming and key pounding every day.
*Exercise.  At least an hour daily, but more if possible. 
*Sunshine.  This loveliness can usually happen while exercising.  I sit at a desk in a building with no windows for most of every day, so that's sad...but after work I get some.  On sunshiny days.  Non-sunshiny days suck butt.
*Books.  Fiction and non fiction.  They sit beside my bed and I read them.  I need some learning books and some science fiction books and some lovey dovey books and some everything books.  There is almost never a time when I'm not reading at least three simultaneously.
*Conversation.  The only requirement on this is solidity. 
*Writing.  For me.  For others.  For stories that might maybe happen because I have a sliver of an idea about them.  When writing for others and myself is not the same thing (usually is), well, that's the reason I have a word document and this blog.
*Human contact.  Outside of work.
The issue in all of this is that some of these things always get pushed to the wayside.  I'm tired.  I'm busy.  I don't want to.  But I need to in order to be myself.
What do you need in your life to find balance and happiness?
OH!  And fruits&veggies.  Those are necessities.


*some cool pictures come up when you google image "solidity". 

When to dip out on a first date

When would you dip out on a first date? 

I Don't Want To Hear About It

What do you not want to hear about?

Shirt Wisdom

Here in the US Air Force, we call our First Sergeant the "Shirt" (Link is origins.  Pretty interesting stuff).  Every week my unit's Shirt sends out an e-mail entitled "Shirt Spam".  It's some wisdom he wants to impart on us, a blurb about what's happening, and there's usually something historic written in there.  I really enjoyed today's "Shirt Spam", so now I'm imparting this on you.  Sorry.

((The next section is a copy/paste from the e-mail.))
Leadership Thought of the Week:
"Keep looking below surface appearances. Don't shrink from doing so (just) because you might not like what you find." Also,
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is the slogan of the complacent, the arrogant or the scared. It's an excuse for inaction, a call to non-arms. It's a mindset that assumes (or hopes) that today's realities will continue tomorrow in a tidy, linear and predictable fashion. Pure fantasy. In this sort of culture, you won't find people who proactively take steps to solve problems as they emerge. Here's a little tip: Don't invest in these companies. (Powell/Harari 1996)

This Tuesday WILL be good.

I, unlike Moaning Myrtle, am happy more often than not.  The shit that is happening affects my happiness, yeah.  Is it possible to get past it? Definitely.
A list of happy Tuesday things.
1. It's Fat Tuesday.  Pancakes are delicoius.  Yum.
2. It's Tuesday.  That means AWANA.  Cute little kids make everything betterish.
3. There is a hollow chocolate apple sitting on my desk.
4. At the store the other night I decided to buy a different brand of tea than usual.  It's delicious.
5. I still suck at the comforting bit.  But he'll get through this, accept any consequences, and move on.  Survival is what I'm focused on.
6. Harry Potter is so freaking amazing.  I'm reading through the series for the...seventh(?) time.  On book 6. 
7. I'm in the USAF beotches!  That means I have a steady job for the next five years as long as I don't do anything stupid.  booyah.
8. ((Number eight left intentionally blank))
9. Betta fish are beautiful.
10. It's going to be around 70 degrees on Thursday.

Shock.

It's 11:19pm, EST. I just found out about this. I feel as if I might throw up. Have you ever been so shocked by something that throwing up was the only reaction you felt appropriate?

Nerdfighteria is my safe place. One of my very few safe places. I learned about it from him. I feel like my safe place might have just been ripped away. This is not because of what happened, but because of how quickly people are judging this shit by face value. They're not looking at Mike, the Mike they know, and saying “would he do something atrocious? Nah.”

Mike, if you ever read this, I count you as a friend. I'm planning to call you tomorrow to ask you personally about this. FYI.

We even discussed how fifteen year old's look nothing now like they used to. We joked about it.

I appreciate how much you've made me think since I met you. It's because of you that I've been exploring our world through science so much more than I ever did before. I've also truly been trying to figure out why I believe what I believe, because of you. I don't want it to be just my parent's religion like so many other people, and I've discovered that what I believe varies from what they believe more than I thought possible. The same basics, but some important details in theirs is missing in mine. Things I don't believe God would force on us.

I respect you, Mike.  That's the gist of that.  You make me think by using your intelligent thoughts.  You may have messed up according to the law, but sometimes the law is incredibly stupid (ie, Matt's Safe School Law and many others).

Oh, you just texted me. I DM'd you wanting to know; should've known you wouldn't be asleep. It's only 11:45pm now. All I can say to you is that you have a friend here. And please do nothing rash.

In this portion of my blog, I want to speak with you all about the age of consent. It's in place for a reason, I'm sure, but when is the government going to realize that people are going to do what they want to do no matter what the law is or how old they are? All of this happened over the internet and cell phones. There was nothing forced. How could it have been? Forcing yourself on someone is one thing; I believe that there is definite need for punishment in that matter, but willingly giving something? Not the same thing. You're probably saying “they're young. Impressionable. They were excited at being shown attention.” There were three girls involved, one 15 and two 17. Mike is 23. My parents are 9 ½ years apart. The age difference between my parents is greater than any of these. My parents were over the age of consent when they met, married, and proceeded to build themselves a large family, but what if Mom had been under? What if they had met when she was 15 and he was 24? What if they fell in love, decided to sex it up, and then Mom decided that she was through with him and the easiest way would be to go to the cops?

I wouldn't be here. Dad would have gone to jail and been scarred with the “pedophile” tag. I'm sure Mom wouldn't have married him then, especially if she was the one who marked him. Think about it.

I'm looking at Tumblr right now, and I see so many posts that say things like "this isn't the girl's fault in any way.  Mike was the adult in these situations".  It's true, he was the adult in everything that happened.  But why do we never place any of the blame on those who we deem the "victims"?  Why are they the victims?  We all make choices people.  Mike's was to ignore the age of consent, and theirs was to go along with it.  I say equal guilt for equal crimes.
But even if all of this is truly truly true...is anyone guilty of anything?  I feel like society paints it for us that it's just so wrong for girls to send pictures of themselves if they want to.  Their body, their life.  I'm 20, and if it were me there wouldn't be a public out cry.  Why not?  Because over the age of 18 we aren't easily bruised and broken flowers anymore?  If we're like that at any time in our lives, it's that way for life.  But most of us aren't, it's just the picture painted of females.  And I hate that.

There are also a lot of people deleting his music and crap because of this.  He hasn't been proven guilty yet, and even if he is and I totally lose my faith in him and all of that...why delete his music?  It's good music.  It's music that touched my heart.  This music is music of substance.  It may hurt for some people to hear his voice because they have cast him as guilty in their minds, but good music is good music y'all. 

That puking thing I mentioned earlier? Just happened. I feel a bit better, but it may continue on into the night.

I need to sleep on this now. Goodnight. Maybe I'll have more thoughts in the morning.